charting leaf growth

Meow

WRITTEN WEEKS AGO 

I am strangely happy.

It’s been 10 (gosh T E N) weeks into University and to be honest, i maybe really am getting the hang of things... 

All the work that come streaming in, back to back project meetings, my countless nights of sleeping on the sofa/ floor/ table (my highest record was six consecutive days of missing my dear but dangerous bed) had actually contributed to my contentment that i have chosen to take this path. I guess making a really conscious choice to get myself enrolled into school and into WKWSCI for that matter, played a huge role in this fulfillment. It’s just a refusal in me to regret. 

Almost entirely because i don’t want to be embarrassed by my own choices. 

And that pushed me to seek for strength and goodness; how many of us would say “feeling stretched” is an understatement- i never thought University was like this. But then again, i was absolutely clueless about anything to do with school. 

Just a simple fact that i really am enjoying what I’m learning (maybe because if i could get myself to do limestone rocks and differentiation/integration questions for A’s and not develop a wallowing anger towards education, how bad can this be right?) made me happy waking up. (I’m not dying everyday!!!!!- absolute goal of life) 

But if school and all that work sounded like a piece of cake, then the friends i have made are the yummier digestive biscuit crust and fruits on top ooooh~ And also the jam laced in between. 

WHAT A BAD ANALOGY AND PUN. 

Dear Self you get what i mean.

The people i met and made friends with were my solid cornerstones (so sorry friends, to say that ya’ll are stones but how cute an image! And also uh, the digestive biscuit crust). 

They are what make my life soooo much better (fruits on top!) and because they were in every part of my 10 weeks, they are also the lacy lacy jam WHY AM I EXPLAINING MY LOUSY ANALOGY. 

I can’t envision what lies ahead but i can’t wait too! 

COME WHAT MAAAAYYYYY~ 

Typing this at 6.34am because i woke up from the sofa at 4 and decided to get to work. I kinda like this new-leaf me ;) 

WEEKS-LATER-ME: hahaha not bad YOU'VE GOT IT GIRL KEEP IT GOING 

Strangers only once

Mount Rainier

nationalgeographic.com

"Now you see it, now you don’t. Mount Rainier, true to its name, disappears behind cloud banks, stays hidden for days and weeks at a time, and reappears in most dramatic fashion. Sometimes, it floats above the clouds, visible only to mountaineers on its glacier-decked slopes and to thrilled passengers of flights climbing south from Seattle."

It's raining. It's 1.35am. 

So I've got all the reasons to be schmaltzy-waltzy. And that comes in the form of going back to good ol' natgeo.com and placing myself in a situation where i can be dazzled by the wonders of the world. It never fails to make me feel so humbly small, so contented (or at least ought to be) and just... muse about life. 

The perplexing idea of Strangers is still...perplexing me. 

Been chewing on this thought for quite some time, occasionally throwing it to the back of my mind when school readings or work overwhelm, but taking it out again on days/ nights like this (raining, 1.35am). 

It baffles me that strangers are only once. The slightest, faintest action renders it another state; an eye contact that lingered too long to be called a glance, but too short to be developed into a conversation. And wham-bam, not strangers any longer. 

You just can't go back!!! 

asdfghjkl. 

Maybe it's the China History mod in school that's messing with my brain. 

"The goal of statesmen throughout the centuries was to restore something of that splendid past, even though no one thought that it could ever really be done. The past framed the present."

How many times in my life have i tried to make things like before, wishing that people could be back as strangers, albeit subconsciously (maybe) and without much outcome (definitely). And of course, tiring myself out. It doesn't even help that i would just feel all eaten up inside (to which Russ would ask "why is it your fault") automatically. 

Really, it's all about coping with that history, isn't it?

Well now, shining, this must be. 

BBC/ABAB

Underwater Prow of Titanic

Photograph by Emory Kristoff, National Geographic

Recently i had a friend who retweeted something: 

Usual Christian logic:

                                          When good things happen: Praise the Lord!

                                          When bad things happen: God works in mysterious ways... 

So what makes me qualified enough to comment on this? 

Very simply because, a bad thing has happened to me. 

It isn't entirely a happen happen sort of bad thing, unlike car accidents (unless you are drink driving. I hate such people they should be put to jail AT THE IMMEDIATE COMMITMENT OF OFFENSE), but you can say i probably deserve it (i agree too) or whatever anyone wants to say. 

My previous post writes of how i was nervous about receiving my results and i realized also a whole load of irrelevant starbucks chair talk but nonetheless I'm glad i wrote what i felt at that moment.

So, results: I didn't do well. 

And initially, surprising even myself, i was not sad, i wasn't weeping or anything. I was downright pissed off. 

At everything, at myself, and really at God. In my mind i kept asking, no i meant yelling, why, just why???? God, you are the one who knows the deepest thoughts of my heart, you are the one who held me through my darkest times, YOU knew what i wanted, YOU knew what i needed. So why let me down like this??? No one else knows me like you do, i feel so deceived, for even praying and doing everything you had called me to do. So now, what's this big whole plan you still have for me in AC? Didn't you tell me there was a reason for my being here?

It wasn't until i was in Nicky's car and about after a 5 min silent drive that i called my mum and broke down in a crazy drama fit. I was sobbing and telling her how angry i was at God, because i know that He is real and all the more i was upset! I mean, how do a person get mad at a rock right?? 

After i hung up the phone, my Softball team teacher in-charge called me to return to school and she had something to hand me. And when i met her, boy did i continue my sobbing anger at God, telling her I'm gonna be selling fried noodles the rest of my life and even so I'm gonna turn it into a franchise chain and conquer the world. Obviously i was deranged looking at my inconsistent thoughts. But when she sat me down, reached into her own pocket and took out my Team Captain badge, i cried till i was literally shaking. 

I don't know why, but it was almost at that immediate moment i felt my questions answered. I had made a difference in my school, and that was all i wanted, so badly. To just be different.


Being the first captain of the school softball team meant an amazingly lot to me, I had built my life around it from the time the journey began till I handed over to the new captains. Even when i completed A's and while working, the team was always constantly on my mind. Last weekend, during their first game at the annual softball carnival, I felt so beaming proud just even looking at them walk as a team. When the victorious game ended, and as per softball traditions, giving three cheers to coaches and umpires, my beautiful juniors actually did one for me, and i was so touched i wanted to cry!! I never wanted any of their public recognition, because i was contented and i knew how much they respected me just even when i was still their leader, serving them.


Whenever i show up for their games, they would welcome me so warmly, screaming my name and coming over for hugs :') They have taught and given me so so much.


Prior to getting the results, i knew i wanted straight As so that i could be "the smart captain" and not "the stupid captain who was preoccupied with playing softball and obviously unable to multi-task". But you know right now, i don't really care what anyone would think of me right now.


I am going to stubbornly believe and cling onto this faith that even if God doesn't want to give something to us, i know He is going to do something through us.


When great things happen, of course it is easy to praise, good times! But when bad things happen, that's when this faith is tested. Am i going to continue standing with this, or am i going to be angry and be unable to deal with this disappointment? What is my capacity for faith?


Saying that God works in mysterious ways is not a form of resignation, neither is it a convenient excuse.


Repentance comes with an inward change of mind and an outward change of actions. I knew i wasn't faithful with what i was given (studying for A's) and squandered my junior college days away. But now, i do things with an amount of commitment i never knew i could/would (other than leading the team), because i know i don't ever want to go through that regret of not being a proper steward of what is given to me, of what is placed in my way.


Believing that God's ways are higher than my own ways right now, is definitely not an easy escape out of my own disappointment.


It is not resignation of life, but a huge step of faith taken to believe that there is greater things in stored.

Kate Moss has always been known in and out of the fashion industry as the Elastic Model. She bounces back from battles against drugs, against anorexia, against every other scandal. And each time she comes back even greater than before. She is THE icon of fashion, and just think, don't every other model pale in comparison? Who is ever as interesting as her, who revolutionizes fashion as she does?


"in September 2005 Kate became entangled in a drugs furore herself after tabloids showed pictures of her allegedly using cocaine. She lost several major modelling contracts, including Burberry, and issued an apology.

"I take full responsibility for my actions," she said. "I also accept that there are various personal issues that I need to address and have started taking the difficult, yet necessary, steps to resolve them." 

With her modelling career hanging in the balance, Kate entered rehab. Then, just months after the scandal broke, she enjoyed one of the most incredible comebacks in the business. Re-instated as the face of Burberry and with a slew of new modelling deals, she was more in demand than ever. In 2006 she earned millions and that November was crowned Model of the Year. 

Still the darling of the fashion world despite her tumultous personal life, she went on to land a deal with highstreet chain Topshop to design her own range, cementing her status as a style leader." www.hellomagazine.com

Kate Moss is on Forbes List, earning more than $13.5 million, and heck, even dated Johnny Depp.

If all of these that i have gone through- homeless for a year, going everywhere in search of places to study, places to seek lone solace, has taught me anything, would be to shine despite whatever circumstances I am in, and ultimately, glorifying God. 

If life is all about smooth-sailing journeys and successes, what story would i live to tell?

///


To be honest, writing so much about my faith here took me quite a bit of struggle against myself. It is more of how i may embarrass God with my actions than actually being afraid that people would be flaming me for my beliefs. 

There is this stress that whatever i do in future now is under this extra "section of potential criticism". Foreseen scenario: hey if you are such a believer in Christ, WHY ARE YOU SO MATERIALISTIC; FASHION IS FRIVOLOUS!!!!!


Well, i am not going to attempt answering my own question. But i think our society, or at least most of us, needs a renewal of mindset- that it is exactly because i know I'm nowhere near perfect, that I'm but a mere creation, therefore i need God. And not have this judging perception that Christians are not meant to stumble. This stress actually becomes a stumbling block to one too many Christians. Of course, this is not an excuse, but only a small way in which we can all make this world a better, more harmonious world.

I once read this somewhere: People should view the Church as a hospital in the society. People need help and that is why they are there. They go through a recovery process and walk out to tell the story.


And as how a Glee episode simply puts it, life is too tough to go through it alone.


For now, i am embracing what i am going through. And i know im going to fight harder to bounce back up, higher than before. Its a whole new zeal, whole new drive. Im literally jumping-whooping excited for things to come!

Using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival. 

Luke 16:8

Titanic. Most unfortunate, but most beautiful story of humanity and struggles.

sir benedict

About 2 weeks ago when Nicky and i visited Hatched for breakfast and me trying to do more on photography for work, i.e experimenting different angles and really toying with the idea of selling my D3100 for my coveted D90, since forever. Oh yes, speaking about work. Im on a mission to impress my superiors about my photography skills hahahahaha but so far a few nods, and of course, i know i have a long way to go. Work has been great, presenting me with challenges along the way, but most importantly i am learning so much in here. Of events, writing, interviewing people, photography and all the less glamourous stuff (i.e excel sheets and a lot of content reviewing). But perks come in the form of free pretty samples getting sent to our office and a kitchen smack in the middle for cooking and tasting purposes. It's been a month here and i really like the working environment, how creativity and excellence is encouraged. Certainly, there are my down days, and that's when i get home and watch The Devil Wears Prada all over to get the motivation kicking again. 

Seen here is a men's clutch i made from scratch for our christmas gift exchange to each other. Last December i was really broke and figured that the only choice really, is to create something for him. Yet this dear boy here bought me a full leather classic Marc Jacobs wallet for me, leaving my gift to him looking sad and… pathetic. Sigh. I wasn't even squealing or anything when i opened the gift because though im always passionate for fashion, i don't really really want them unless i earn for it. This is just…weird. But of course, Nicky reassured me that this is just something he really wants me to have and he too knows that im just not the type that chases after branded goods mindlessly. This is something both of us have in common though we come from such different backgrounds; that style is celebrated in all forms, even if its just a pvc fabric clutch :')

This is really pretty amazing, how far both us have come. Just about a month ago when Nicky came to fetch me in his mini cooper after passing his driving license; both of us looked at each other and seeing how things have changed when two years ago he was just a senior in my college, and all the time we spent apart, till my exams were over, till now im working in an events/magazine company and both of us chasing after our own dreams, together.

I think this is the most i have spoken about the both of us here, stemming from both fear of disappointments and…can i now say, love? :)

Message to myself for this new year: to leave all the ugly behind, bringing only the beautiful, and keep moving forward.

Happy Chinese New Year to all, let it be a time of love, and only love, shall we?

x

and so we lived to tell the story

photos by Jinny undrcat.tumblr.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Oh gosh i haven't been blogging for such a long time largely due to the messed up internet connection (advice on routers, anyone?? pretty please??) that I got pissed off and right now im using my iPhone's hotspot connection. I hope it doesn't chalk up too much data… 

But anyway THIS IS AMAZING ITS ALREADY ONE WEEK INTO 2012…?!?! I feel like i have so much to account to, both myself and to my wonderful and faithful readers. Some people may ask why would anyone like to place themselves in a situation where they have to account to people whom they do not even know (unnecessary stress etc). But i feel that sometimes, the comments and the questions i get because of this blog, are exactly what's keeping me going in moments of my life; moments so bleak and dark, moments that cripple me. Its people whom i do not know, even bothering to know what is going on, and people whom i may know in real life but leave anonymous (or not) comments just to encourage me, such effort, really. These are people who care. It is unfortunate, but sometimes, such warmth and concern are exactly what is missing in day to day, face to face, life. 

In this new year, i am primed to say that, i, am always ready to give, ready to be there, ready to be seeking chances to be a blessing. I was pondering a lot about this in 2011, how events in life has made me stumble backwards, unwillingly, made me defensive (a natural response considering disappointment and hurts), made me cautious. But one thing that Jinny has told me, impacted and literally changed my mindset for as long as i can go- the cautious never live, they merely exist. So, even if I know im literally prepping myself to be let down, to be rejected, I want to do all i can for others. And if this blog can in any way serve as a form of comfort (because it is always nice to know someone is going through the same thing/worse and live to tell the story, hey you know you can too), motivation, inspiration, it is my greatest honour. In giving, one receives. 

Photos taken by Jinny, one of the greatest people im so glad to have met, and keep in my life. Toying with her camera and took a shot of my shimmerywhoopeedoofestive Topshop top before stepping into the lounge area of our class's hotel room exclaiming to her "CAN YOU STOP BUYING SUCH AMAZING CAMERAS AND LENSES?!" Do check out her tumblr :) The rest of the funny shots were taken same day after prom, where i spent the night with my classmates by the Singapore River, and looking back, it was a truly beautiful night, in all its simplicity. 

Lesson learnt in 2011: Poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam:27, 1850

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when i sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

living dead

Been feeling like a complete zombie ever since prom ended two days ago, i have no idea why. But right now, im in a state of... blandness?? The taste on my tongue is bland, my view on life is bland, my conversations with people are half hearted. Im not listening, they're all just words passing through me, no matter how beautiful. 

But i do recognise this as a phase, a passing phase. 

one of those nights

ah yes, but for now,

im feeling heavy-hearted again.

Maybe because its half an hour away from a new week, another round of fighting on. Every day really seems like a battle, and i feel myself growing weary... i don't know..maybe, perhaps.

Last monday i had to skip school to accompany my mum to go about settling stuff at the banks and meeting two contractors one after another for the best quotation they could give of the renovations.

Don't get me wrong, i know she needs me to be there (all the details and fine prints in english. Though she's not illiterate i just want to be there to make sure things go right) and i WANT to be there.

But it was just one of those days where i felt the pressure on all sides- got back my prelims results on the previous friday and though they were completely expected and reflective of my (somewhat) effort, i was trying to kick myself back into shape and regain focus and motivation.. ah yes, GP was encouraging, my essay scored an A grade whoopee ^^

Going to the banks and arranging meet ups with my dad for the loan, hearing and seeing my mum being so defeated.. And its tiring because i have to meet them separately since they're divorced sighhhh caught in the middle. Halfway through the day my aunt called me to babysit my cousins (which i usually and of course, would do it readily if i could) and struggling through those days where i miss that old you so much..

I felt like everyone and everything wants a piece of me and i can't seem to juggle anymore. Needless to say, the fact that time is running out for A's is really driving me to the walls and... i started to find outlets that i could blame.

I kinda half broke down while walking with my mum asking her why is it possible that my brother could just go about studying so hard and things (family, house, loans) get done amazingly by us. Why is it that i have to be the one sacrificing; i want to block everything out too.

Again, i don't mean that i hate my brother, on the contrary, i love him so much that i probably expect that much too... I am very proud that he is excelling in his uni course and he is a role model to me, i just... want some appreciation? I don't know.

I started on a teary rant about why is he so selfish. Only to realise im the one disgustingly selfish by thinking this way.


It just sucks that when it rains, it pours.

Really, everything seems to be relentless in getting me down. Things start getting taken away, people whom i trusted the world in, starts leaving me. I get replaced.

Where did i go wrong? Is there anything i can do to make things just that bit better?

I feel like Job in the bible when everything is falling apart in his life. Damn it, even my health is going haywire with the migraines coming on even more than usual and not to mention the fainting/unconscious-anytime spells. Appointment at national eye centre 28sept 8am, yes.

This is the winter season of my life, the hard piercing wind and coldness that rattles the bones. But you know what, im not giving up.

I am built for every season. Nothing, can stop me from getting right back up.

(holycowz im cryinggggggggg wwwwwwwwttttttthhhhhh jajaajaja)


OKAY I AM GOOD NOW.

Hopefully the next time it rains and pours, its all blessings~~ ^_^


Take time to read this :) 

I don't know how whatever im writing can/would help anyone, but i do hope that we all recognize the sources of our own unhappiness, because maybe, you will realise, there isn't that much to be unhappy about.

If you can focus on your studies/work and not having to worry about anything else, that really is a blessing itself.. and a tiny bit of me wish i were you. But i know we all have our own battles, our own stories behind.

I guess the least we could all do is to be grateful, and contented. Not drinking your life away or wasting it. I really don't know how else to emphasize, maybe im not in any position to, but maybe at least to my older self (hi!).

Go to bed tonight, with a heart of thankfulness, thinking of how we can make the world a better place tomorrow for the people we love.

xoxo

Cold Waters

Um...

Hi!

Im poking my head in here, dipping my toes into the waters, prudently. It feels a bit like stepping back into an old house filled with memories, both wanting to withdraw and yet deeply allured. Depends on which emotion is overpowering now...

But well yes, i have been imagining myself coming back here more...glamorously or like you know, with a bang. Kind of to match up how i left. 

Yet i learnt a wonderful lesson, that everything, or at least majority of the time, they are all a process. It encompasses patience, and a gradual consistent effort. Things become more sustainable and ultimately, strong. 

Things start fast, end fast. Think a simple cup, the more effort is put in there in its structure, its mineral content, its design, the end product is something refined and moulded, definitely more durable than a dump-it-all-in-just-whack structure. 

(ok apparently i don't know nuts about sculpting but you get my driiiift? ^^)

The problem with me is that i am so impatient and have barely flexible room for others and myself. But i have learnt that through process, would there be a transformation from within, and this would be then, 

durableadjective1 durable carpets: hardwearing, long-lasting, heavy-duty, industrial-strength, tough, resistant, imperishable, indestructible, strong, sturdy.ANTONYMS delicate.
Slowly, but surely, i will be unstoppable.

like Maybelline mascara hahahahaha

Last night while waiting for my older brother, who never fails to mock my dressing (according to himyesterday, i look like an english monk (????) with my black long skirtpants and knit mmm), to get outof the shower.

Oh, he got out and im talking, didn't know photobooth was snapping L O L

ok gotta meet bfooz for mugging now!!!!!!!! 

P.S thank you, person who commented in previous previous post, its comments (anonymous or not) that bring me back here again :) 

Misplaced

Is it even possible to be so confused, wrecked, peaceful, determined, contented and lost all at the same time?

Lines

I have honestly, as mentioned in the previous post, come to realise that i really do live on ends of the spectrum. Making me very... extreme. Really, and its freaking me out because of how dangerous everything can be. But i know i have God... which kinda makes things worse because i feel very unworthy of His grace and that i am a vile being; who am i to carry His name?

Then i try to make myself feel better by saying that we are all human and that is the primary reason why we need God in the first place. Because we are tempted to sin. Its so much of a contradiction and omgggggg i hate ironies. (wait, actually its not that complicated and everything's quite simple right?? We sin, we repent & not do it again so that its not cheapening of grace RIGHT?)

Was watching Obsessed on Bio Channel that day and it was found that the tendency for people who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorders (OCD) are INBORN. How it develops then differs (traumatic events abusive parents bullying etc etc) so it is technically not their fault!!!!!! Makes sense why the cases that i have watched the patients generally did not have a root cause.

Which means, not everyone who do drugs, keep washing their hands, tapping the wall "oh must have gone through some traumatic shit so poor thing!!!!" -____- save your bloody sympathy.

Haha i sound so defensive. Which is not entirely untrue either, because i do have a bit of such OCD.. or is it just me being anal and bitchy. Whatever. I like my lines straight and many tiny itty bitty annoyances. Which sometimes, i admit, are lame and unnecessary stresses in my life.

I remember there was this incident when i was about 5 and i was trying to straighten out the quilt on the floor (erm i think i was going to camp in front of the TV??) and got soooo frustrated and pissed off that i started tearing wtf and my mum was all "Eh what is wrong with you. If you grow up being such a perfectionist you're going to suffer."

So,

It has led me to a conclusion, over the years, that having a faith has helped me to be more centered and realise self love and worth. I still love God very much despite being in such a confused state!!!! ^^

And, art, in all its form, has taught me to embrace irregularities, what was first perceived as "ugliness" &
lines that aren't straight.

Brain Storm

I have been doing a lot of thinking these days. Even more than usual, and i, do actually think A LOT on a normal basis. It may even be bordering on thinking too much. Not quite sure if it is good or bad, but its keeping me alive and sane. But then again, it is also what's driving me up the walls sometimes. 

I HATE CONFLICTING THOUGHTS. 

But no matter how hard i try to sort them out, there is perpetually this balancing scale in my head that is never at equilibrium. I can literally see everything mapped out in my mind. Goodness knows how many of such meaningless, rambling, circling entries i have already made here... 

The thing is. This space is getting boring. If i am actually not the owner of this blog i probably will not be popping by anymore...mmm. I have been trying to convince myself yes this blog is just serving as a looking glass into these times, in future. Fundamentally, that is its purpose (for me at least). However, I enjoy taking photos, traveling everywhere and writing. I love words. I love fashion. All of these are my passion. And, it is exactly so, that i would most welcome different comments or at least just people reading about them. Ultimately, I hope whatever i do is able to impact someone, anyone, positively. 

I was so genuinely happy when Snail tweeted that she felt motivated after reading my stressed-out-SSP entry :) It meant that whatever i am/was doing actually had a constructive effect on somebody, and not just a self-oriented act. This means a heck lot to me. 

The next 3 months this blog is probably going to turn into a ranting/dumping ground of frustration and stress and even more conflicting thoughts. But i will try my best to keep up with my passion, calling and other goals while having the A'level exams holding top priority. As much as I want to do well for the Big A's, and that means a lot of focusing and hard work, i choose not to leave this whole technological world~ it makes me feel alive... 

In the process of trying to 'tone down' and be less 'emotive' ie dramatic, ie referring to posts where i either sound like a 9 year old kid in a candy store or high on drugs, (not that anyone is complaining at all, its all just me, myself -_-), which by the way, i have given up and accepted the fact that i live on ends of spectrums, I realise i am unable to not talk about/share my views. Ie a chatterbox hahahahahahaha. To offset the possibility that they may come off as imposing, I am actually very open to other opinions!! ^^ though am still learning to not be too quick to judge and definitely can be even more receptive. (Influence of my dad~~) 

and that, revealed to me that we, human beings, are constantly learning and realising about ourselves as we grow... (i don't think about all these shit in primary school -.- i was caught up with hacking my classmates' Neopet accounts hehe)

Abrupt ending:  

I can't quite seem to write out my thoughts adequately and its eating me up inside :'(