26 September 2011
one of those nights
im feeling heavy-hearted again.
Maybe because its half an hour away from a new week, another round of fighting on. Every day really seems like a battle, and i feel myself growing weary... i don't know..maybe, perhaps.
Last monday i had to skip school to accompany my mum to go about settling stuff at the banks and meeting two contractors one after another for the best quotation they could give of the renovations.
Don't get me wrong, i know she needs me to be there (all the details and fine prints in english. Though she's not illiterate i just want to be there to make sure things go right) and i WANT to be there.
But it was just one of those days where i felt the pressure on all sides- got back my prelims results on the previous friday and though they were completely expected and reflective of my (somewhat) effort, i was trying to kick myself back into shape and regain focus and motivation.. ah yes, GP was encouraging, my essay scored an A grade whoopee ^^
Going to the banks and arranging meet ups with my dad for the loan, hearing and seeing my mum being so defeated.. And its tiring because i have to meet them separately since they're divorced sighhhh caught in the middle. Halfway through the day my aunt called me to babysit my cousins (which i usually and of course, would do it readily if i could) and struggling through those days where i miss that old you so much..
I felt like everyone and everything wants a piece of me and i can't seem to juggle anymore. Needless to say, the fact that time is running out for A's is really driving me to the walls and... i started to find outlets that i could blame.
I kinda half broke down while walking with my mum asking her why is it possible that my brother could just go about studying so hard and things (family, house, loans) get done amazingly by us. Why is it that i have to be the one sacrificing; i want to block everything out too.
Again, i don't mean that i hate my brother, on the contrary, i love him so much that i probably expect that much too... I am very proud that he is excelling in his uni course and he is a role model to me, i just... want some appreciation? I don't know.
I started on a teary rant about why is he so selfish. Only to realise im the one disgustingly selfish by thinking this way.
It just sucks that when it rains, it pours.
Really, everything seems to be relentless in getting me down. Things start getting taken away, people whom i trusted the world in, starts leaving me. I get replaced.
Where did i go wrong? Is there anything i can do to make things just that bit better?
I feel like Job in the bible when everything is falling apart in his life. Damn it, even my health is going haywire with the migraines coming on even more than usual and not to mention the fainting/unconscious-anytime spells. Appointment at national eye centre 28sept 8am, yes.
This is the winter season of my life, the hard piercing wind and coldness that rattles the bones. But you know what, im not giving up.
I am built for every season. Nothing, can stop me from getting right back up.
(holycowz im cryinggggggggg wwwwwwwwttttttthhhhhh jajaajaja)
OKAY I AM GOOD NOW.
Hopefully the next time it rains and pours, its all blessings~~ ^_^
Take time to read this :)
I don't know how whatever im writing can/would help anyone, but i do hope that we all recognize the sources of our own unhappiness, because maybe, you will realise, there isn't that much to be unhappy about.
If you can focus on your studies/work and not having to worry about anything else, that really is a blessing itself.. and a tiny bit of me wish i were you. But i know we all have our own battles, our own stories behind.
I guess the least we could all do is to be grateful, and contented. Not drinking your life away or wasting it. I really don't know how else to emphasize, maybe im not in any position to, but maybe at least to my older self (hi!).
Go to bed tonight, with a heart of thankfulness, thinking of how we can make the world a better place tomorrow for the people we love.