of a napkin and a pastor

About a year and a half ago, a few friends and i went to Bintan Island during the December holidays for a short vacation. Upon our arrival at Bintan Lagoon Resort on the buggy, i saw a sign stating that a church was having their short R&R trip there as well. Oh, all right, cool, i thought. 

The next morning when my 3 other friends and i went down for the complimentary buffet breakfast, the place was brimming! We did however find an empty table near a family of 6 and settled down. All 4 of us decided to go grab food at the same time, leaving our only belonging- a camera (we just thought it was safe) by the seat against the wall, and under the table cloth. 


No one would know that table is taken unless he lifts up the cloth; there were no reserved sign nor anything else on the table either. 

I was then the first out of my friends to return to the table with my breakfast. As the seating area was a level beneath the food section, i could see everything clearly while the people below would not actually be looking up unless they wanted to. 

Just as i was taking my first few steps down, I saw the man from our nearby table standing and waiting as his family prepared to go. Very casually and thinking that our table was empty, he reached out and grabbed a napkin from one of our seats for his own use (considering his own table was messy with children and all). 

I did not feel anything as i knew it was a complete overlook, cos NO ONE would know that the table is taken since everything was still untouched save for the camera under the table cloth. 

However, a few seconds later when i reached the end of the steps and standing by my table with a plate in my hands, this man looked at me and started apologizing profusely and with all sincerity. 


“Oh gosh this is your table! I’m so sorry, i didn’t know this table was taken and i took the napkin! Im sorry, please, let me get a waiter to replace it.” There was a few seconds of fluster that filled this man’s face, but it only serves to tell me how genuine he is.

And all i could manage to say was “It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.” 

When really deep down, with a man of stature towering over me AND apologizing to me this way, all i wanted to say was,
“it’s all fine, Pastor Kong.”

This experience is etched in my mind forever. And i mean forever. 

When no one is looking, and when no one would blame him, this man watched his own actions and lived a life of virtue. 

He didn’t know I’ve been a member of his church since i was 11; he didn’t know i was baptized in his church; he didn’t know i’ve spent my saturday evenings in church so much that i would feel like a fish out of water if i was anywhere else; he didn’t know the table was taken. 

You would say “it’s just a napkin!” and oh, am i glad you said that! 

Because it is exactly that, a napkin, that impacted and caused me to be utterly speechless. If a man who would apologize profusely and i could see something almost like panic flush his face over a napkin, what else can i say about his faithfulness in things and people? 

When no one is looking, that’s when our true character is on display. And i happened to be “God” overlooking literally from the steps above. 

This is the man i know from afar, and this is the man that i would trust like its family. And when its family, nothing else matters other than the fact that i am standing there together, all through. 

This is the Pastor Kong i know, the man who has walked the narrow way to path a road for us behind. And im writing about a man, as real as us, but has definitely sacrificed more than most of us did for anyone. 

The church houses and trains up more people so that someone holds onto my hand, holds my wounds, before the medicine and healing came. These are the ones who merely administrates and guides us the way to recovery while we, ourselves, discover and make a decision for a better life. Can we put a value to their sacrifices?

Most importantly, these are perfect strangers who held my hand. 

Thank you Pastor Kong. For leading and training people to touch even more. Because right now, I cannot deny the resurrection if i have been risen from the dead. 

Yang,

E495

SOT Team 3, 2012

“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:11-12

BBC/ABAB

Underwater Prow of Titanic

Photograph by Emory Kristoff, National Geographic

Recently i had a friend who retweeted something: 

Usual Christian logic:

                                          When good things happen: Praise the Lord!

                                          When bad things happen: God works in mysterious ways... 

So what makes me qualified enough to comment on this? 

Very simply because, a bad thing has happened to me. 

It isn't entirely a happen happen sort of bad thing, unlike car accidents (unless you are drink driving. I hate such people they should be put to jail AT THE IMMEDIATE COMMITMENT OF OFFENSE), but you can say i probably deserve it (i agree too) or whatever anyone wants to say. 

My previous post writes of how i was nervous about receiving my results and i realized also a whole load of irrelevant starbucks chair talk but nonetheless I'm glad i wrote what i felt at that moment.

So, results: I didn't do well. 

And initially, surprising even myself, i was not sad, i wasn't weeping or anything. I was downright pissed off. 

At everything, at myself, and really at God. In my mind i kept asking, no i meant yelling, why, just why???? God, you are the one who knows the deepest thoughts of my heart, you are the one who held me through my darkest times, YOU knew what i wanted, YOU knew what i needed. So why let me down like this??? No one else knows me like you do, i feel so deceived, for even praying and doing everything you had called me to do. So now, what's this big whole plan you still have for me in AC? Didn't you tell me there was a reason for my being here?

It wasn't until i was in Nicky's car and about after a 5 min silent drive that i called my mum and broke down in a crazy drama fit. I was sobbing and telling her how angry i was at God, because i know that He is real and all the more i was upset! I mean, how do a person get mad at a rock right?? 

After i hung up the phone, my Softball team teacher in-charge called me to return to school and she had something to hand me. And when i met her, boy did i continue my sobbing anger at God, telling her I'm gonna be selling fried noodles the rest of my life and even so I'm gonna turn it into a franchise chain and conquer the world. Obviously i was deranged looking at my inconsistent thoughts. But when she sat me down, reached into her own pocket and took out my Team Captain badge, i cried till i was literally shaking. 

I don't know why, but it was almost at that immediate moment i felt my questions answered. I had made a difference in my school, and that was all i wanted, so badly. To just be different.


Being the first captain of the school softball team meant an amazingly lot to me, I had built my life around it from the time the journey began till I handed over to the new captains. Even when i completed A's and while working, the team was always constantly on my mind. Last weekend, during their first game at the annual softball carnival, I felt so beaming proud just even looking at them walk as a team. When the victorious game ended, and as per softball traditions, giving three cheers to coaches and umpires, my beautiful juniors actually did one for me, and i was so touched i wanted to cry!! I never wanted any of their public recognition, because i was contented and i knew how much they respected me just even when i was still their leader, serving them.


Whenever i show up for their games, they would welcome me so warmly, screaming my name and coming over for hugs :') They have taught and given me so so much.


Prior to getting the results, i knew i wanted straight As so that i could be "the smart captain" and not "the stupid captain who was preoccupied with playing softball and obviously unable to multi-task". But you know right now, i don't really care what anyone would think of me right now.


I am going to stubbornly believe and cling onto this faith that even if God doesn't want to give something to us, i know He is going to do something through us.


When great things happen, of course it is easy to praise, good times! But when bad things happen, that's when this faith is tested. Am i going to continue standing with this, or am i going to be angry and be unable to deal with this disappointment? What is my capacity for faith?


Saying that God works in mysterious ways is not a form of resignation, neither is it a convenient excuse.


Repentance comes with an inward change of mind and an outward change of actions. I knew i wasn't faithful with what i was given (studying for A's) and squandered my junior college days away. But now, i do things with an amount of commitment i never knew i could/would (other than leading the team), because i know i don't ever want to go through that regret of not being a proper steward of what is given to me, of what is placed in my way.


Believing that God's ways are higher than my own ways right now, is definitely not an easy escape out of my own disappointment.


It is not resignation of life, but a huge step of faith taken to believe that there is greater things in stored.

Kate Moss has always been known in and out of the fashion industry as the Elastic Model. She bounces back from battles against drugs, against anorexia, against every other scandal. And each time she comes back even greater than before. She is THE icon of fashion, and just think, don't every other model pale in comparison? Who is ever as interesting as her, who revolutionizes fashion as she does?


"in September 2005 Kate became entangled in a drugs furore herself after tabloids showed pictures of her allegedly using cocaine. She lost several major modelling contracts, including Burberry, and issued an apology.

"I take full responsibility for my actions," she said. "I also accept that there are various personal issues that I need to address and have started taking the difficult, yet necessary, steps to resolve them." 

With her modelling career hanging in the balance, Kate entered rehab. Then, just months after the scandal broke, she enjoyed one of the most incredible comebacks in the business. Re-instated as the face of Burberry and with a slew of new modelling deals, she was more in demand than ever. In 2006 she earned millions and that November was crowned Model of the Year. 

Still the darling of the fashion world despite her tumultous personal life, she went on to land a deal with highstreet chain Topshop to design her own range, cementing her status as a style leader." www.hellomagazine.com

Kate Moss is on Forbes List, earning more than $13.5 million, and heck, even dated Johnny Depp.

If all of these that i have gone through- homeless for a year, going everywhere in search of places to study, places to seek lone solace, has taught me anything, would be to shine despite whatever circumstances I am in, and ultimately, glorifying God. 

If life is all about smooth-sailing journeys and successes, what story would i live to tell?

///


To be honest, writing so much about my faith here took me quite a bit of struggle against myself. It is more of how i may embarrass God with my actions than actually being afraid that people would be flaming me for my beliefs. 

There is this stress that whatever i do in future now is under this extra "section of potential criticism". Foreseen scenario: hey if you are such a believer in Christ, WHY ARE YOU SO MATERIALISTIC; FASHION IS FRIVOLOUS!!!!!


Well, i am not going to attempt answering my own question. But i think our society, or at least most of us, needs a renewal of mindset- that it is exactly because i know I'm nowhere near perfect, that I'm but a mere creation, therefore i need God. And not have this judging perception that Christians are not meant to stumble. This stress actually becomes a stumbling block to one too many Christians. Of course, this is not an excuse, but only a small way in which we can all make this world a better, more harmonious world.

I once read this somewhere: People should view the Church as a hospital in the society. People need help and that is why they are there. They go through a recovery process and walk out to tell the story.


And as how a Glee episode simply puts it, life is too tough to go through it alone.


For now, i am embracing what i am going through. And i know im going to fight harder to bounce back up, higher than before. Its a whole new zeal, whole new drive. Im literally jumping-whooping excited for things to come!

Using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival. 

Luke 16:8

Titanic. Most unfortunate, but most beautiful story of humanity and struggles.

and so we lived to tell the story

photos by Jinny undrcat.tumblr.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Oh gosh i haven't been blogging for such a long time largely due to the messed up internet connection (advice on routers, anyone?? pretty please??) that I got pissed off and right now im using my iPhone's hotspot connection. I hope it doesn't chalk up too much data… 

But anyway THIS IS AMAZING ITS ALREADY ONE WEEK INTO 2012…?!?! I feel like i have so much to account to, both myself and to my wonderful and faithful readers. Some people may ask why would anyone like to place themselves in a situation where they have to account to people whom they do not even know (unnecessary stress etc). But i feel that sometimes, the comments and the questions i get because of this blog, are exactly what's keeping me going in moments of my life; moments so bleak and dark, moments that cripple me. Its people whom i do not know, even bothering to know what is going on, and people whom i may know in real life but leave anonymous (or not) comments just to encourage me, such effort, really. These are people who care. It is unfortunate, but sometimes, such warmth and concern are exactly what is missing in day to day, face to face, life. 

In this new year, i am primed to say that, i, am always ready to give, ready to be there, ready to be seeking chances to be a blessing. I was pondering a lot about this in 2011, how events in life has made me stumble backwards, unwillingly, made me defensive (a natural response considering disappointment and hurts), made me cautious. But one thing that Jinny has told me, impacted and literally changed my mindset for as long as i can go- the cautious never live, they merely exist. So, even if I know im literally prepping myself to be let down, to be rejected, I want to do all i can for others. And if this blog can in any way serve as a form of comfort (because it is always nice to know someone is going through the same thing/worse and live to tell the story, hey you know you can too), motivation, inspiration, it is my greatest honour. In giving, one receives. 

Photos taken by Jinny, one of the greatest people im so glad to have met, and keep in my life. Toying with her camera and took a shot of my shimmerywhoopeedoofestive Topshop top before stepping into the lounge area of our class's hotel room exclaiming to her "CAN YOU STOP BUYING SUCH AMAZING CAMERAS AND LENSES?!" Do check out her tumblr :) The rest of the funny shots were taken same day after prom, where i spent the night with my classmates by the Singapore River, and looking back, it was a truly beautiful night, in all its simplicity. 

Lesson learnt in 2011: Poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam:27, 1850

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when i sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

2.42am

It is 2.42 in the morning. He is not yet home.

It has been a long day out working even on a Saturday. Its been a long night waiting for him.
The kids have reluctantly fallen asleep while waiting for their daddy's return. She fumbles for her mobile phone and dialed his number.

He picks up.

A part of her is relieved that he did because he could have turned off his phone. Maybe he was busy, maybe his phone ran out of battery. Maybe he didn't want to hear her voice anymore. Maybe he is with someone else.

She heard his voice over the phone; familiarity, comfort. But in a second, weariness and resentment took over. Again, long nights, countless from this 13 year marriage. She couldn't help herself, she asked where he is, why isn't he back yet, if he knew about the children's academic results, why does it seem that she is the only one sacrificing and when is he going to be finally present in her and their children's lives.

She didn't ask if he knew how much she needs him.

It is 3.04 in the morning. She heard the keys and the door open and close.

He is home.

A part of her is thankful that he came back so soon after the heated conversation. Maybe he cares, and at least now he is with us. But another part of her is afraid that he is doing this only to please her, when is the next time that this will happen again? How many of such long nights does she have to endure?

Loneliness in its worst form; being with someone and still feeling lonely.

But she was glad he bothered to sound angry over the phone just now, at least he isn't being indifferent. However, there were times he did. Is it because his heart has turned cold or is it him tolerating? But she didn't want him to tolerate. She wants him to work things out.

He isn't speaking to her. She locks herself in the room with the children and cries silently.

Its been a long night. Its been a long year. Its been a long time waiting for him, because she knows she is ready and would jump at any opportunity that he is available.

When would he do the same?

Now, you try waiting.



//Wrote this because it happened. I must never be like this. I wish i could help my aunt feel better, i wish there was something i could do. But what and how? Im not the husband.

Cold Waters

Um...

Hi!

Im poking my head in here, dipping my toes into the waters, prudently. It feels a bit like stepping back into an old house filled with memories, both wanting to withdraw and yet deeply allured. Depends on which emotion is overpowering now...

But well yes, i have been imagining myself coming back here more...glamorously or like you know, with a bang. Kind of to match up how i left. 

Yet i learnt a wonderful lesson, that everything, or at least majority of the time, they are all a process. It encompasses patience, and a gradual consistent effort. Things become more sustainable and ultimately, strong. 

Things start fast, end fast. Think a simple cup, the more effort is put in there in its structure, its mineral content, its design, the end product is something refined and moulded, definitely more durable than a dump-it-all-in-just-whack structure. 

(ok apparently i don't know nuts about sculpting but you get my driiiift? ^^)

The problem with me is that i am so impatient and have barely flexible room for others and myself. But i have learnt that through process, would there be a transformation from within, and this would be then, 

durableadjective1 durable carpets: hardwearing, long-lasting, heavy-duty, industrial-strength, tough, resistant, imperishable, indestructible, strong, sturdy.ANTONYMS delicate.
Slowly, but surely, i will be unstoppable.

like Maybelline mascara hahahahaha

Last night while waiting for my older brother, who never fails to mock my dressing (according to himyesterday, i look like an english monk (????) with my black long skirtpants and knit mmm), to get outof the shower.

Oh, he got out and im talking, didn't know photobooth was snapping L O L

ok gotta meet bfooz for mugging now!!!!!!!! 

P.S thank you, person who commented in previous previous post, its comments (anonymous or not) that bring me back here again :)