phantasmagorical

Because this looks nothing like economic graphs.

This is just surreal.

Here i am right here, right now, at the same usual seat at City Hall's Starbucks. For a few years now, this has always been my comfort zone, literally. The familiarity of everything makes me feel absolutely at ease, and for some sparkling reason, i feel comforted here. Maybe its how im seated next to the elevator, watching people walk by, yet I feel perfectly comfortable sinking into the background and behind my Mac or books, where i feel like a spectator, and for once, im not involved in this world of empty faces. I am not just a mere moving figure on this earth like them… maybe.

But this is just bizarre because im using all my will power to stop myself from screaming "DIDN'T I JUST SIT AT THIS SAME SPOT STUDYING LITERATURE, TAGGING BOOKS, JOTTING DOWN NOTES AND HATING YET LOVING THE CHARACTERS ALL THE SAME?!". I. am.  not. kidding. when i say this feels just like yesterday. This seat has held me through what is beyond tears and joy, but everything that has ever cruised through my head and heart, this is where i spent the most time alone, entirely with myself and just, thoughts. (Okay, and maybe the other Starbucks outlet at Fullerton, both's on par at this.) I feel almost vulnerable now.

But this was really where i sat through those times missing Nicky so badly when we were separated, those times when i felt the most lonely, a pain that's crippling. I would fight through each day, happy to not be crying as much; Every waking hour felt like a wrestle to get better, to get stronger; Days that i get so frustrated with myself. This was where i tried to "get out of the house", seeking solace in the tranquility of noise. Yet this is also where on days i feel wildly inspired after school and well, yes, days highly motivated.

And you know what? Less than 24 hours later, is results day for A'levels.

Not much of a big deal, just results yes yes yes, but i have invested effort and emotions.


SO I DESERVE TO BE NERVOUS.