18 August 2011


Im at the brink of tears right now. There's nobody i can talk to, not because i have no friends or no family but because i know everyone have their own battles to fight.

There are times of course when i really need someone, and these are amazing people like jiele bao jayme rachie jinny snail and yian who's always always always there. Even right now if i turn to them. But i really don't wish to be a constant burden like every other day im having stupid panic attacks and whining again.
It is times like this that we learn to be independent & appreciate what we have, including these friends that never left my side all these years.

I have been yes, technically, homeless for the past 8 months.
My aunt very very kindly and generously let my brother and i move in with her and her family while my mum lives across the road with my greatgrandma and other aunts. But really, home can be anywhere, its how you see it.. :)

Till recently, we found our own place. Initially, it was so hard to find a place at a suitable location that isn't too expensive/ not in a state where i just want to throw a bomb in and then renovate after/ too out of the way. But really the whole damn problem with $$$$$$$.

I just came home from breakfast with my mum and SHE was at the brink of tears. All the loans that we can get/trying to get/ can't get is really frustrating. And i know she didn't tell me all of those to complain, or to nag at me, or to "show my brother and i how much she is doing for us" (which i am c o m p l e t e l y aware of) but really because she needed an outlet. That's when i know things must have really been too much for her to go through alone.

I want to do so much for my family and i know i will be. But this whole A level shit is driving me crazy because 1. im not prepared 2. i want to just go and work NOW so that i can help ease my mum's burden and start paying off the bank loans. But i cannot, i must get through with this. I already have a few jobs waiting for me right after A's anyway so yesssssss im going to grit through this shit.

Just last night, i got so angry with my brother but i couldn't say anything and so i just buried myself under the blanket. He is going on another scholarship/attachment to Poland next year for a whole bloody 8 months just after coming back from 2 months in taiwan??

Does he realise this family needs him, I NEED HIM??????? So being in SMU's Dean's List he can go wherever he wants to gain experience & exposure to earn big$$$ next time????? So that means forsaking and dumping whoever back home to deal with it on their own???? Is this house not his too??????????????? (btw can his girlfriend can bear for him to go for 8 months? i mean no biggie but wtf show some homesick-ness at least????)

Just a few days ago he was telling my aunt how he really wants me to do well and go on a scholarship to US/UK universities. I wanted to yell DO YOU REALLY THINK I CAN JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND AND LEAVE MUM ALONE TO DEAL WITH ALL THE SHIT BY HERSELF?????????????


and what about me? Am i left behind again? 


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