Do read the following with a pinch of sensitivity and kindness & whoever you are, hopefully you'd leave me a bit of courage..
The past few days i have been a wreck.
Really, truthfully, honest to the bones.
I have never talked about this on my blog before, and maybe, subconsciously i have been waiting for the right time all along.
Ever since stumbling upon those texts to her from you, i have been struggling with trust. No, i have been dealing with that since goodness knows when. But in these past 3 months, as much as it hurts, i have come to realise that i can never deny my love for you. With all your "i will be waiting for you"s and "always. anytime."s, i stepped back in. But, instead, i am pushed away.
I don't even know why i bothered to deny and conceal the truth that every single day i was missing you. I looked like someone that was "moving on so quickly" and probably lost all respect from your friends- what i know is not a given and have to be earned. Seriously, who am i kidding???? Why did i even bother to put on such a wonderful show that on formspring someone asked if i still love you and i said NAH I LOVE HIM MORE AS A FRIEND. oh reaaaaaaallly now. What the hell am i trying to do???
Why didn't i just shout to the world that i still love you so very much after all these happened??? Betrayal is promising to be on your side and yet being on somebody else's. But never was there a day i ceased to pray for you, for us. I overcame that hurt and now...? All i needed was you to mean what you say when we parted in June, because right now every day i have been crying so much i don't even have an idea where do the tears come from. I hate mornings, i hate waking up, i hate sleeping because i dream of you and sit up sobbing in the night, i hate listening to my iPod and very cautiously choose my songs if i have to.
I hate every single bloody thing that reminds me of you.
And all of these were made worse when last night you told me "whatever the outcome.." i didn't even hear what came after that, because i sincerely believe i died at that moment. The fact that there is going to be an alternative outcome coupled with the "i can't guarantee i'd love you like before" oh god i don't actually dare to even look at these words that i just typed out..
A full heart, wholesome, i gave it to you, untainted. You taught me to let someone in and showed me the beautiful world of unreserved love...yet the very same pair of hands broke it. Even so, you're amazing. & given a choice to start all over again, i'd still choose to have you as my first love, sweet.
You said you need time to find yourself.. and really, i don't mind the distance if it means you'd come back for me, and only then we know nothing can ever come between us again.
I always believed that if things were meant to be, they will.. and God will place both persons back again. But, if we make that choice to let each other go this time round, im afraid things would be different. The freedom of choice is a gift, and if its a decision made, nothing can change it.
So please, Nicky, don't take too long.
Don't let me slip by again.