15 June 2010


Such awesumzness.

"Her name was star. it was a stupid name for a stupid, silly girl. he was pretty sure her parents named her when they were high, because it was not a secret that they relied on drugs to take them away. she was mysterious and confusing, and often she’d say things that convinced him that everything they had was just a game. she spoke quietly and laughed loud, and had a tattoo of a star behind her ear, predictably. she was beautiful, in that kind of delicate way. she had cornsilk hair and huge green eyes that turned blue when she cried.

he’d only seen her cry once, when he walked up into her room like he always did. she was curled in a ball, and at first he thought she was sleeping. but he heard her sniffling, and as she rolled over, he caught a glimpse of her now shockingly blue eyes before she pressed her face against his chest.

he couldn’t find the words to ask her what was wrong without making her more upset, and she didn’t offer any explanation. so he held her as she cried and kept holding her until she had succumbed to the call of sleep. and while she was sleeping, he traced patterns into the soft skin of her back and looked out her window. it seemed fitting that he’d wish upon a star, so he closed his eyes and wished to stay with her like this forever.

the morning came and when he opened his eyes, she was gone. he wandered through her house, maneuvering through the piles of books stacked on the ground and the towers of empty coffee cups. he found her outside, sitting daintily on a swing, her sparkly purple painted toes dragging across the ground.

“so last night…” he trailed off like he usually did, once again unable to think of the right thing to say.

she looked at him, her eyes green once more. the corners of her mouth turned up, almost as if she was smiling but not really.

“i just love you.” she said quietly, placing a kiss on his cheek.

he stood there for a second. it was the first time she’d ever said that, and he couldn’t believe it. star, who was always mysterious and unattached, had said the words he’d been to scared to say.

“i love you too.” he said, just as quietly. they looked at each other for what seemed like an endless amount of time until finally she let out a giggle. their lips pressed together and she weaved her fingers through his.

she was emotional and impulsive, and he stayed with her through all of it. even when she was so high she couldn’t stand up or form coherent sentences, or when she wouldn’t call for days at a time only to finally call him at 3 in the morning, or when she would purposely look at him while laughing with another guy, her hand resting on their arm. he never said a word.

it was a tuesday night. he had fallen asleep on his math textbook, pencil still in hand. the window was open, and he wasn’t exactly sure how she did it, but he woke up to the sound of her feet kicking against the space below his window. she perched on his window sill, dressed in a cotton summer dress even though it was almost october.

“what time is it?” he asked, confused as to why his girlfriend was sitting in his window in the middle of the night.

she ignored his question, like she always did and just looked at him. he was used to this, there were instances where he would find her staring at him, a contemplative look on her face.

“i don’t know if i can do this anymore.” she said, motioning with her hands.

there was silence. his breath slowed as he looked at her. she was staring at the ground, legs crossed at the heels and hands slightly shaking. her constant composure was failing, he realized. but so was his. there was no time to pretend anymore, to seal emotions between closed lips, to ignore the loaded glances they often exchanged.

“do… what?” he asked, but he already knew the answer.

her blonde hair had fallen in front of her face, so he never got to see her cry for the second time. “we’re not right for each other. we both know it.” her gaze stayed on the ground as she spoke, her voice trembling. “you don’t look at me the way you used to. and we talk without saying anything and i just can’t do it. i can’t.”

“i just don’t know what to say.” he said desperately, panic seeping into his voice.

“thats the thing! we should have everything to say to each other. you’re supposed to love me! we were supposed to be forever!” she said, the voice becoming more hysteric with each word.

once again, the silence that filled the room was deafening.

“we still can be forever.” he said, looking at her. but he knew it was too late. once star made up her mind, it could not be changed. she was stubborn, an unchangeable whirlwind of a girl.

all she did was shake her head, before stumbling over to him. she pressed a kiss on his cheek and slipped out the window just as quietly as she had come in. he didn’t know she had been crying until he felt the tears she had left on his face when she kissed him.

he sat there for a long time, looking at everything and seeing nothing. his fingers traced stars on his knee and suddenly, he was off his feet. the door slammed behind him as he sprinted out of his house, running toward the familiar brick house.

he found himself standing below her window. his general plan had been to climb into her room, like she had, but there was nothing for him to climb up. but her window was open, and even though the lights were off, he knew she was awake.

“star.” he started, calling up to her window. there was no response. “star. come on.” he called loudly, waiting a moment. “star, you can’t just do this to me. i didn’t do anything wrong.” he waited. “you can’t just decide to end it, like its up to you. i was part of this too.” still he heard nothing. he was starting to grow angry, she always did this. shut him off like he meant nothing to her, and maybe he didn’t but she meant everything to him. didn’t that count for something. “you lead you’re whole fucking life behind a wall. you know it. you shut me off like you shut off all the rest but i’m not your parents or your friends, you love me, remember? if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have said it. we could have been forever if you had just let me. fuck star, i wanted to give you everything and tell you all the things you wanted to hear, but you never let me.” he paused, chest heaving, breaths heavy.

the curtains ruffled and he knew she was there, sitting in the darkness. “you can’t keep pushing people away. you pretend like you’re this bright light that everyone loves but no one can get close to without getting burned, but you’re going to burn out. you’re going to run out of those cryptic comments and all that mindless shit that people think is you being witty and charming. i don’t want charming!” he was yelling now, all traces of calm gone. “fuck you star. just fuck you. you don’t want me, great, i don’t want you either.” lies. he couldn’t tell her that she had torn him apart and taken away the only light in his life, in only one night.

the window slammed shut and then once again, it was silent.

as he was walking home, he looked to the night sky. he spotted a shooting star, and a laugh escaped from his lips at the irony of it. he did not wish upon it, because he now understood the fickleness of shooting stars. they are beautiful flashes of light that catch your eye that make you stop and stare in wonder. they are burning balls of brilliance that illuminate the sky, and in a second, they are gone. and all that is left is darkness."

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